Inside My Mind

So it seems as if my boyfriend and I have broken up. I say as if because he hasn’t returned any of my calls, text messages or e-mails and I’m flat out confused so maybe someone somewhere can help me analyse this. Tristan and I have been dating for a little over a year and a few months. We get along great no fights or arguments and we are very close……….. or at least I thought so. He’s been away in New York on business and a family emergency for the past few months. But we always stayed in touch with regular phone calls, e-mails and text messages. I have to admit we do have a shoddy phone service but the longest we’ve been out of contact because of that was 2 ½ weeks.

Anyway our last conversation was between the last week of January and the first few days of February we talked about going away on vacation together and he wanted me to spend time with him in New York and meet his family. I didn’t think anything of it when I didn’t hear from him for a week since our phone service can get pretty bad but I sent him text messages and e-mails. I didn’t actually become concerned until 3 weeks had passed by that I really started calling him sometimes 5-6 times a day for the next week which puts it during  the last week in February.

The only time I really knew something was up is when I sent him an e-mail about my friend committing suicide on 6 March. He never wrote me back or called or anything. That just didn’t seem like something he’d do then again I would have sworn my friend wasn’t the type to commit suicide but he did.

So on 12 March I sent him this e-mail:

Hi T,

Honestly I have no idea where to go after that. I have been staring at the cursor blinking on the screen for the past half hour not knowing what to type. Maybe I should go with the question that’s been bouncing around inside my head right? So honey did we break up or something? Look its okay if you wanted to end this (well maybe not ok in a honky dory sense since I really fell for you).  Sure it took me awhile to figure out six weeks of silence meant something but remember I did say I don’t do subtlety too well. Or maybe I’m reading this all wrong I just don’t know.

You don’t have to worry about me going all psycho stalker on you I’m not the type, so after today I won’t try calling, e-mailing or texting you. I just wished I knew what happened or what went wrong. I’ve been replaying our conversations in my head and I just don’t get it and I wished you’d told me you wanted out of our relationship I’m not the type of woman to force my affections on you if you don’t want it. I’m gonna miss you a lot, talking with you, laughing with you, your outrageous sense of humor.  I thought we had a special connection. I still think you’re a pretty amazing guy and you are going to make some very lucky woman really happy. I wish for only the best things in life for you honey. I love you babe I can’t turn those feelings off. I’ll never regret our paths crossing in life. I wish I’d gotten the chance to know you better. I didn’t expect it to end like this. So if you can send me back an e-mail saying that it’s really over would be great instead of just me wondering what happened. Be well, be happy honey.

Bye

B

Yeah so he never answered but I thought about what I had written and realised I didn’t want to end our relationship so I sent this e-mail:

Hi Baby,

I owe you a really big apology. Writing that last e-mail to you was a really cathartic experience for me since I was feeling a lot of anger and writing helped me to release that. But that anger was in no way directed at you. You know there are moments in life that change you? My friend killing himself really shook my faith and belief about the people in my life. I didn’t even want to acknowledge to myself that I was feeling anger towards Andy even if I was thinking “How could he do something so stupid and just walk out of my life without telling me something was wrong. That he left without saying a word or leaving a note for his friends or family. That he just walked off in silence without saying goodbye” So unconsciously I didn’t want to blame him so I channelled that anger in your direction which was not fair to you and for that I am so very sorry. One of the benefits of being in a psychology class is having people to work through issues with and having them help me see that I found it easier to blame and suspect you the boyfriend I hadn’t heard from in a few weeks of dumping me without so much as a goodbye than to acknowledge that I missed and was pissed off at my friend who died because you know it feels kinda sacrilegious to be mad at someone who’s dead. I didn’t say any of this was at all logical but venting on you was wrong to do and I’m sorry. Forgive me?

So these past few days and nights I’ve done some clear headed soul searching about us and our relationship and came to the conclusion that I like you. I like talking to you, I like hearing about your day, your opinion on politics, when you do nice things for people at the hospital. Besides for loving you I like the person you are. You know sometime between late last year and early this year I felt us growing closer, I was falling more in love with you actually I’m still deeply in love with you. I feel things for you I haven’t felt for anyone and that kinda scares me since I feel so vulnerable to you.  But I’ve never been the type of person to not to something because of fear alone. You bring something so positive to my life, just hearing your voicemail makes me smile and my heart just lights up and when we don’t talk for a long while it hurts and I miss you so much so I’d be an absolute idiot to not explore this connection between us. So you’ve seen me at my not so best think you can give me another chance.

I miss you baby

And still he hasn’t responded. So I called him last night and left a voicemail for us to talk about whatever it is that’s going on between us because frankly I’m confused. Look I’m a decent chick, kind, smart, kinda quirky and I don’t need a guy checking in with me every blessed minute but if our relationship is over I mean don’t I have the right to know that? I have given him absolutely no reason to be ducking me like I’m a bill collector. I’m 27 he’s 30, I’m a big girl so if he doesn’t want to be with me why the heck doesn’t he say so? I have no idea if we broke up or not, if we broke up over that first e-mail I sent or even why we broke up. This pressed one big emotional button for me first my Dad going to NY for make a better life for our family and just stopped writing when I was 8, he came back into my life when I was 20 and eventually left saying I just had to “understand” blah, blah blah, two exes ago that bf left again without giving me a reason, my friend killing himself without leaving a note but I have to just “understand” and move on and now Tristan. You know what? I don’t understand. At all. Am I wrong to ask him for an explanation? Did we really break up over an e-mail?

Today I found out that a friend/co-worker committed suicide. Y’all had met A awhile back as the co-worker I had a crush on that just never went anywhere. So it was with great sadness and shock that I learnt he had killed himself. He was this really sweet, sometimes shy but really nice guy. Even though the HR manager sent out the e-mail to notify the company I still kinda expect to see him coming down the hall and telling him about some awful rumor going around that he died. I somehow expect to see him smile, shake his head and say something like “Don’t believe rumors” The world had lost a pretty decent soul. Rest in peace A. I hope your soul has now found the peace, love, happiness and comfort you couldn’t find here. And I’m so very sorry that I didn’t stop and talk with you last week when I saw you looking sad.

You know there’s a stereotype that says girls are not good at math? Yeah well I fill that out in spades let me tell you. This semester I am required to do a Math course for my Psych degree and my current Math teacher uh can’t teach….like at all. Most people would say well maybe you’re just not applying yourself. But I had her for the exact same course last semester and everyone in her class failed. The administration did not know what to think even though we the students had complained and wrote letters that our lecturer ain’t doing such a bang up job. I have wondered more than once if there’s such a thing as subject specific dyslexia because every time I start any kind of math course I hear gibberish. Take last night class about some ridiculous question about some camels in the desert and how they are to be divided and there was some type of algebra thrown in and the only thing going through my mind is “It’s 7:30 at night. I’ve been up since 3:30am and have had a full day’s work before I came to class. Do I look like I freaking care what some idiot in the desert is doing to his camels, sheep, goats or any other animal that can be found on Noah’s Ark? Hey if he’s having inappropriate feelings and relationships with his animals and want to resolve those issues then send him my way but he can bar b que the lot for all I care. My first year I was blessed to have two teachers who explained things in a way I could understand.  To all teachers out there remember just because there a bulb in the room and a light switch does not mean I’ll figure out how to turn the thing on okay. My current teacher takes for granted I’d know stuff like the Fibonacci sequence and whatnot. Of course she says “if you don’t understand something just say so.” Sure, of course. When she asks “belle what don’t you understand?” and I reply “Everything after you walked into the room and said good afternoon class” she thinks I’m kidding! Look I’m a smart cookie and until recently carrying a 3.66 GPA but I hate being in a class where I feel like the dumbest rock in the rock garden. Ok my rant is over… for now.

Wow it’s been more than a little while since I’ve posted in my blog as it doesn’t exist anymore uh what happened?. My entire blog is like gone. I know I didn’t write and visit often and yeah I didn’t maintain my half of the relationship but to leave without any explanation? Journalspace, how could you do me like that? So here’s a short update on what’s been happening with me. I am officially in my final year of my psych degree ohh happy days. And I’ve resurrected an old love and found a new one. The old love being running. In high school my thing was the 100m and 200m and I promised myself as I got older I’ll try to maintain my running. So for the past year I’ve been doing just that and a few months ago I did my first 5k and yeah it was a pretty slow time but I completed it and felt great. So on the 25 Jan I’ll be doing my second 5k that I’m hoping to complete in 30mins. No one in my family or any of my friends have a clue what to make of my running since none of them do and they can’t fathom why some one would willingly leave their warm beds to run three miles on a Sunday. Every time someone around my neighbourhood sees me running especially at this time of the year the first question is “Are you getting in shape for Carnival?” And for anyone who doesn’t know Trinis love to party and Carnival is the 23 and 24 Feb this year. Yup lots of beads, feathers, costumes for a two day street party kinda like Rio. Anyhoo I just plain love to run and maybe one day in the future I’d love to run the New York City marathon. Gosh I get all tingly just thinking about it.

Ok my second love and this is pretty recent is belly dancing. Found this class in a really roundabout kind of way. I wanted to take a Latin dace class on a Saturday but I couldn’t find a single one. My dance teacher never actually advertises her class except the once in the paper I saw and I showed up really intimidated because heck let’s face it I do not own a flat stomach at all. But I felt all comfortable since my teacher is really nice and she doesn’t have a flat stomach either and she has stretch marks and love handles. But she’s a phenomenal dancer and when she starts to shake and shimmy it looks positively, scandalously sexy. After my first class I went home telling my bf that I want to learn how to jiggle belly fat and make it look sexy. I am loving every single class the music, the movement and the sparkly, noisy costumes. Ahh I think I’ll still be doing this when I’m 80 and all my perky bits have headed south.

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I have discovered some interesting problems when it comes to weight loss. One of these has to do with the necessity of buying new clothes because let’s face it, there is only so much times you can belt or pin something until it becomes too big to wear. Also there is the embarrassment factor. Your former old clothing that is now all baggy and comfy will launch a revolt unbeknownst to you, shaming you to buy new clothes or else! Take for instance my Janet Jackson moment at work. Yup there was an actual wardrobe malfunction, only there was no Justin Timberlake in sight to blame it on. I have this lovely silk shirt that’s size XXL that I had bought to wear to work when I was at my largest but after 50lb weight loss I now wear a size medium so it kinds looks like I’m wearing my boyfriend’s shirt. BUT it’s silk and really comfy so I was still wearing it.

Where us the problem you may ask? Well because I’m so much smaller the buttons have a hard time staying in the holes. Now those buttons are slippery little buggers. I had gotten dressed for work wearing my lovely white silk shirt and black pants looking all professional and whatnot. But somehow during the car ride to work four buttons decided to make a daring escape from those pesky holes. I had wondered why I was getting such a fixated look from the security guard when I breezed into work. There I was thinking maybe it’s because I was looking all cute today. Nope. It was because I was nearly naked from the neck down to my waist, which I discovered when I visited the ladies room! But you have to be thankful for small mercies, at least I was wearing a pretty bra at the time! Now why should I be thinking that my clothes were sending me subliminal messages to go shopping pronto? It’s because it happened again but this time all the buttons flew the coop. Gee I thought I’d felt a draft. So I bought smaller clothing and stole a few pieces from sis to make a brand new wardrobe.

My next clothing observation has to do with panties. After losing weight now my brand new panties bought maybe a month ago just doesn’t fit and my old ones are so baggy I swear I hold them up and can’t believe I was ever that big that they use to fit really tight on me. But just in case I ever get amnesia concerning what I used to weigh, I think I’ll keep those big panties with my before picture to remind me of what could happen if I stop being aware of what I’m eating.